Thursday, June 2, 2005

The Big One

Well, hello there! I came in here yesterday and I looked at my hit counter and I said, “What the...” because earlier it had been around 500 and suddenly it was over 2000. I figured something went wrong with the html in my blog. Now I know it was because a reader sent in the link to What Really Happened . Whoa!!! But precious few comments I note. I do better than that with my usual readers which are far fewer. I suppose it’s sort of an inverse entropic exponent of a parallel universe seen refracted through a fish scale. You know what I mean.

Well, I’m in a tad of a hurry today and being that there may be new readers about I wouldn’t want them going off and looking for their satire elsewhere so I will reprint the initiation exchange that G.W. Bush had to go through on his way to stealing the presidency. This is the pro forma boilerplate initiation ritual practiced like the Catholic liturgy, with added blood rites, body fluids and mutilations. It’s SOP for Bilderberger, Committee of 300, Bohemian Grove, all of them...

Feel free to use this yourselves for your Young Republican catechisms or what-have-you as a warm-up to the real thing should you be chosen to try out for the varsity later in life. And without further ado, here it is and I’m off to do whatever it is I have to do.


THE BIG ONE

You want it don’t you...?
I know
You try to
Sit so still
And quiet
But I can see the suggestive squirm
The raw need

The need to do something
The need to be somebody...
Anybody
Important

We got ponds of all sizes
Well, not ponds actually...

You know there’s a price right?
I suppose you have something to offer...
I mean... that’s why right?

Well, that won’t matter
It hasn’t mattered before

And you’ll be good to people when you get there
Won’t you?
Just like all the people that came before you.
You’ll be a decent human being won’t you?

You want it don’t you...?
Don’t grab....
That’s not nice....
Didn’t your mother teach you not to grab
You know,
for a moment there you looked like...

Raw need isn’t a pretty sight.
But it will do

Were you told you were a special child?
You were weren’t you?
It is a real drag when they lie to children.
Worse for the rest of us
when that child grows up.

Now,
In the world of essential MLM
In the world of smoke and mirrors
In the place of money and power
In the place of finalizing dominating sex
You know you got to be a bottom...
If you want to get on top.

You don’t have to feel bad about what’s gonna be asked of you
It’s an acquired taste
And you will acquire it
Easiest thing in the world

And you don’t have to worry about what it looks like to the angels
Angels don’t come into it
forget the Devic realm
You’ll be dealing with a different sort here

We like you the way you are

This realm?
This plane?
You want to play here?
Well
There is a fundamental reality
And a necessary stripping away
Of certain components that would interfere with
Your ability to play here

Certain notions you have to give up
Certain ideas about the right thing to do
This kind of thing can confuse you to the point
Where you will fail in this world
AND
Miss out on the other...

Now I know you don’t care about the other
Or you wouldn’t be talking to me
After all, you are in this world aren’t you?
Well then baby
This is all the world you need

So we need to just lighten up on the things
You don’t need in this world
The things that will hinder you and
Hold you back

The fact is
You’re either all the way this way
Or all the way that way
In between comes the thresher with the big teeth

Many, many have come before you
And many more will come again.
It’s always the same thing
The system is solid
Either way.

You know when you have sex
It becomes a dining area?
It’s a hungry ghost buffet line
An astral peep show
Well, that’s not important for the moment

What you need is
That Chase advantage
You got to get
That Chase advantage

Got to
Sign up and let the big one suck you off

Sign on

Donors get in line
Let the big one suck you off this time

Plasma for the war...
Oh yea


I’m gonna let the big one suck me off this time
I’m gonna let the big one suck me off this time

Get that Chase advantage
Get ahead of the pack
Get the smell of the hunt

I’m getting hard in the pocket
Hey son,
let me connect that socket
and...ooooeeeee!!!

Let the big one suck you off this time
Let the big one suck you off this time

All the buyers and sellers
Of stuff and of self
Along with the bankers and brokers
And interceding priests,

All the consumers and the consumed
All the press and the products
All of everything that comes into form
All of the manifest that was ever born
Except
The except

But you’ll see the disclaimer at the bottom
And be sure and read the terms of use


All gonna suck a big one this time
All of them waiting at the front of the line
Waiting
Anticipating
That really big one
They’re gonna suck it all this time
Glory...glory...glory
Gonna suck a big one this time

Get that Chase advantage
Get that Rockefeller edge
Get the big one behind you
To push you off of the ledge

David’s got a cup of hot widows soup
Gonna foreclose on a few lifetimes
And get the big one to suck him off
Just another dead soldier’s family
with a downsized disappearing house

Ah, what the fuck-
And never mind

We’re gonna let the big one suck us off this time
Suck us off to notness
Suck us off with no forgiveness
And fuck us up the ass at the same time

Celebrities and wannabees
Get in line

Cause when the big one sucks you off
You have no regrets
Man, everyone forgets...

When the big one sucks them off
When the big one blows Stardust on their horn
There’s only one selection on the jukebox
You can’t hear the breaking glass
Or feel the impact of the windshield
At the moment of the crash
Did I mention?
The big ones got your attention...

You are moving through the line
The Game Boy is your mind
George is at the bridge
Mission accomplished
The Atari warrior in real time
Plugged into the action
Plugged in all the way

But you lost your taste for Campari
When you found out that Tinker Bell was a man

And you’re waiting in the darkness
With your pants around your ankles
With your passion in your hand
Dreaming of a kinder gentler land

With the big one hard at work
Yea!
Oh yea baby!!!
HARD at work
Good and HARD
For this portion of this lifetime
Waiting on the big one
To blow you right the fuck out of childhood
And every tricycle it rode in on

Get that Chase advantage
Mr. Rockefeller gonna treat you just fine
No memory
No tomorrow
No highway left behind
The way they came is gone
They’ve formatted the mind
(At the prompt type Y. Warning, you are about to remove all data from your system. Do you wish to proceed? Oh yes, oh yes!!! Oh God Yes!!!)

Maybe just one cigarette
A few bobby pins
A lighter and
A subway token
No heart will be left unbroken

One hallway full of shadows
Wet concrete and the chittering of rats
Gunfire and weeping in the distance-
too great to define

There may be some disappointment
After
The big one sucks you off
Just turn your head and cough

And get that Chase Advantage
Get 0 percent Interest
No payments till the end
This offer will be repeated
Act today
Do it now

Felators are standing by
They’ll be kneeling in a minute
Everything includes everything
No waiting
No waiting
No waiting
No waiting
Fade...

So, you’re okay with that?
And you know about the quid pro quo?
You know once you get rid of those items...

the unnecessary personal baggage
the aspirations
that strange compulsion for regret
the weeping virtues on the vine
that intruding human effect
that
after that
Nothing you do...
will have any further effect on you?

The reason we called you in
You look like you know
What’s going on

And you don’t mind

Now
Most people
We don’t even have to talk to them
They get right on board and
Don’t even ask where the train is going
They think the smoke trails are coming from the engine

But you’ve got management potential and
We think you can help us with the boarding
Make sure there are no empty seats
And every now and then
you get to step in and be
The Big One
At the cosmic glory hole

And remember
You’re draining into your own bank account
And the financial apparatus that
Makes the whole thing move
And shake
And bake

And that makes all of us here
(I know I can speak for all of us when I say this)
That makes all of us here just
A little more motivated
A little more ‘into’ it
We’re all about satisfaction here

Some of our biggest customers are
Some of our biggest customers

See,
In the end
Either way you go
Whichever side of the helix
You got to get down on your knees
Either way

On the one hand
It’s just all about longing
On the other hand it’s all about getting to it
NOW!

And keep in mind
Throughout
I’ll be turning into an angel of light
at the given moment
Be not deceived...


Patrick Willis narrates:
The Big One



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The3rdElf
The 3rd Elf