Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Al Zarqawi and Bin Laden Get Down with their Bad Selves

It's more entertaining than American Idol; well, Hell; how would I know? I haven't seen American Idol. It’s definitely truer than any Survivor program; I haven’t seen any of those either but… And it’s easily as real as Jason Meets Michael Myers on the big screen. Yes, it’s Al Zarqawi and Bin Laden. Yes, the loveable (you can’t keep me down) Al Zarqawi… and the unstoppable, Energizer-zombie Bin laden. Big Al Zarqawi…

…has been reported to have said (to Bin Laden on the speaker phone) at an Islamic Website; "I believe that the plan has already reached you or is on its way, and we are waiting for your instructions," the speaker says. He’ll be on Oprah to confirm that this afternoon when he appears to talk about his new bestseller, The Insurgent’s Diet.

Here’s how CNN intro-ed the thing; “CNN has not confirmed the voice on the recording is al-Zarqawi's. The statement was posted on an Islamist Web site that has carried previous messages from al-Zarqawi and his group, al Qaeda in Iraq.”

That is more real than the original message on the Memorex tape. You can’t get more real than that. Even more amazing is how Bin Laden, who’s been dead for years, manages to get all these messages and orchestrate his world wide terror plans from the grave. Like Baron Samedi he’s likely to pop up anywhere. All you need are some naked, sweaty dancers, some drums and a little psychedelic punch.

Of course Mossad’s been helping out a little here and there since they’ve got the Al Qaeda franchise license and have been setting up little fast terror outlets all through the Middle East.

What’s the connection? Why are we hearing from these guys? When’s the last time we heard from Bin Laden? Why that was just a few days before the most recent Great American Election Hi-jacking. Anyway June’s coming up and June is official ‘Bomb Iran unless we Do Syria First Month’.

Busharon; our own Two Headed Axis of Evil are both getting into shape with the Eat the Little Guy Diet and this coming Steel Cage Match is going to prove highly entertaining. In one corner we have ‘The Dead Guy’ and ‘The Guy who doesn’t Exist’ and in the other corner we have ‘The Fat Guy’ and ‘The Stupid Guy’. It’s going to be a hoot.

Meanwhile, all that great mopping up in Iraq is just not going at all the way that the goose-steppers had in mind. Bodies are blowing right and left. It’s like one of those deranged Tom and Jerry cartoons. It’s like Brain Dead; The Directors Cut. So you know that all this ‘on the ground’ shit is just about over. It’s time for Death from the Skies. There’s no word on which studio has this in development. But since all of the studios and all of the theaters and all of the press agents and writers are under contract to the same corporation; who the fuck cares, right?

Meanwhile, the little guy on the ground; the fat little guy on the ground in the U.S. is trying to tie a yellow ribbon around his dick but it’s not easy cause he has to do it while looking in the mirror (looking down is not an option) and he can’t get the sequence right. It’s like backing up with a trailer hooked up to your car if you haven’t done it before. Anyway, this little guy is scarfing ‘burgers and dogs’ and draining cans of Bud and getting misty while John Phillip Sousa plays in his head and gigantic storm troopers are making creamed beef on toast out of the towel heads. You can hardly get more fatuous and crocodile teary-eyed than on Memorial Day, unless it’s The Fourth or Veteran’s Day.

The thing with being stupid is that it doesn’t go away by itself. It’s like ringworm. You do have to do something about it or eventually you will end up looking like Dick Cheney’s heart. It might take ten years but it’s bankable. So, even if you’ve got all the guns and planes at a given time, it’s not going to stay that way. No one is still in power that used to be in power that was stupid. And you got to sleep some time too. So you can have your house loaded with guns and you can be sitting on your sofa with the shotgun across what there is of your lap but it won’t do you much good when you fall asleep. You have to sleep some time.

So you can waltz that enormous stomach of yours across the room. You can push and shove. You can torture and lie and imprison. You can do whatever you have to do to make up for the howling impotence of your naked state but… your day is going to come and there will be weeping and lamentation. Oh yeah. And you are going to deserve it big time. It’s going to creep through the malls and slide through the ice plants on the thruway. It’s going to come up through the water pipes in your house and it’s going to be parked in the school parking lot. It’s coming through the TV, over the radio, into your ear like a bug from the mp3 player.

Cold icicles of fear are going to form like stalactites in your visceral area. Your bowels are going to turn to water after these things melt. It’s already sort of like that isn’t it? And you don’t feel too good do you?

Your leaders are lying, murdering thugs. Your leaders are cowards hiding behind those too stupid to question their orders. Your country is an obese carnival of excess and indifference and just like it has happened so many times in the past you are going down.

Oh sure, it doesn’t have to be this way. There’s time to change. A lot could be set right but… hyenas and dingoes don’t make good baby sitters. Leopards don’t change their spots. Hard lessons are hard because some people just wouldn’t fucking listen otherwise. You know all about the Titanic. What you don’t know is that you are sailing on it right now.

So, you keep right on celebrating America. You keep right on sipping those lattes and getting your nails done. Your body may stink but you’ve got the sprays to keep the aroma down. Keep snarling at the rest of the world. Send Bolton to the UN. Nod your head every time Brit Hume farts. Keep thinking about whether Condi Rice is a ‘smokin babe’. Screw everybody else. Keep pouring petroleum by-products down your throat. We’ve all heard the phrase, “eat shit and die.” It is an amazing irony to see you laughing while you do it. All those cold martini’s and red faces; all that hearty bonhomie, all those rounds of golf, all those contributions to the RNC, all those evil jokes, all the porcine laughter at everybody else’s expense; that note is going to come due.

It’s not just because you are banal and careless and selfish and cruel. It’s not just because you have voided your humanity. It’s not just because it’s wrong; what do you care about that? Evil has always been a growth industry. No, it’s not about all that. It’s about nature. Certain laws you can’t break. Your existence relies on them. It’s why you shouldn’t shit were you eat. And it’s not just about poisoning your own water and eating garbage and inhaling the fumes of your own exhaust. It’s about the certain higher laws that you break at your own peril. You can’t play Russian Roulette indefinitely. You can’t shoot yourself in the head and expect to walk away. It’s not what someone else is going to do to you; although that is a part of it. It’s what you are doing to yourself. You did it to yourself. Maybe now is time for that toast.

Raise your glasses America. Feel the rush of the alcohol soaring on the music that soars on the pride. It’s been said and I’m going to say it again; “Those who miss after almost winning, should have known the end from the beginning.”

Visible and The Critical List: Not Politically Correct by Les Visible and The Critical List♫ Party, Party ♫
'Party, Party' is track no. 4 of 12 on Visible and The Critical List's 1987 album
'Not Politically Correct'

Not Politically Correct by Les Visible and The Critical List


Anonymous said...

Outstanding work! I hate waiting for you to put up something new but it is always worth the wait.


Post American said...

The American version of the Nazi swastika is none other than the yellow support the troops ribbons.


CandyP "I think we did the right thing going into Iraq and removing Saddam from power. I will always feel that way. If we hadn't of done what we did, who knows we could be in a situation that is way worse than 9/11/01. I also support our Troops, and pray every day for the safe return of my brother and all the other troops over there that are helping Iraq reach a freedom that they have long lived for."
"The only total peace youll ever see is when Jesus comes back. To be anti-war, is like saying, "Come on over, we will do anything you say" These people are glorified bullies, they are never going to stop. I dont care if we get bin-laden himself, he has too many willing to replace him. This war is justified more than any other. Even hitler was not this bad. We should all support Bush in what he is standing up for. He is doing the best job he is able to do. He should do more, but all the anti-war and democrats keep getting in his way.911? Im sure we have not seen the most damage they are able to do yet"

with the resistance in all of its forms

Anonymous said...

To CandyP, if you are so for the war why don't you pay up your $25,000 of our national debt. Looks like your little engine that could Bush is going to need it

Anonymous said...

that's one of your most inspired and humorous works and I'm finding it hard to believe that the bunny with the load in her pants is serious. I think it's an- not very well done- attempt at satire. But it's better than nothing and it can only improve whereas the guys on the other side are eating shit out of a canape dish and they think it's foie gras....

Just some guy checking in.

Anonymous said...

Now this is a tasty piece seen in the context of all else.

AP: Gitmo Detainees Say Muslims Were Sold

The Associated Press
Tuesday, May 31, 2005; 9:20 PM

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico -- They fed them well. The Pakistani tribesmen slaughtered a sheep in honor of their guests, Arabs and Chinese Muslims famished from fleeing U.S. bombing in the Afghan mountains. But their hosts had ulterior motives: to sell them to the Americans, said the men who are now prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Bounties ranged from $3,000 to $25,000, the detainees testified during military tribunals, according to transcripts the U.S. government gave The Associated Press to comply with a Freedom of Information lawsuit.

A former CIA intelligence officer who helped lead the search for Osama bin Laden told AP the accounts sounded legitimate because U.S. allies regularly got money to help catch Taliban and al-Qaida fighters. Gary Schroen said he took a suitcase of $3 million in cash into Afghanistan himself to help supply and win over warlords to fight for U.S. Special Forces.

"It wouldn't surprise me if we paid rewards," said Schroen, who retired after 32 years in the CIA soon after the fall of Kabul in late 2001. He recently published the book "First In: An Insider's Account of How the CIA Spearheaded the War on Terror in Afghanistan."

Schroen said Afghan warlords like Gen. Rashid Dostum were among those who received bundles of notes. "It may be that we were giving rewards to people like Dostum because his guys were capturing a lot of Taliban and al-Qaida," he said.

Pakistan has handed hundreds of suspects to the Americans, but Information Minister Sheikh Rashid Ahmed told the AP, "No one has taken any money."

The U.S. departments of Defense, Justice and State and the Central Intelligence Agency also said they were unaware of bounty payments being made for random prisoners.

The U.S. Rewards for Justice program pays only for information that leads to the capture of suspected terrorists identified by name, said Steve Pike, a State Department spokesman. Some $57 million has been paid under the program, according to its Web site.

It offers rewards up to $25 million for information leading to the capture of al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden and Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

But a wide variety of detainees at the U.S. lockup at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, alleged they were sold into capture. Their names and other identifying information were blacked out in the transcripts from the tribunals, which were held to determine whether prisoners were correctly classified as enemy combatants.

One detainee who said he was an Afghan refugee in Pakistan accused the country's intelligence service of trumping up evidence against him to get bounty money from the U.S.

"When I was in jail, they said I needed to pay them money and if I didn't pay them, they'd make up wrong accusations about me and sell me to the Americans and I'd definitely go to Cuba," he told the tribunal. "After that I was held for two months and 20 days in their detention, so they could make wrong accusations about me and my (censored), so they could sell us to you."

Another prisoner said he was on his way to Germany in 2001 when he was captured and sold for "a briefcase full of money" then flown to Afghanistan before being sent to Guantanamo.

"It's obvious. They knew Americans were looking for Arabs, so they captured Arabs and sold them _ just like someone catches a fish and sells it," he said. The detainee said he was seized by "mafia" operatives somewhere in Europe and sold to Americans because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time _ an Arab in a foreign country.

A detainee who said he was a Saudi businessman claimed, "The Pakistani police sold me for money to the Americans."

"This was part of a roundup of all foreigners and Arabs in that area," of Pakistan near the Afghan border, he said, telling the tribunal he went to Pakistan in November 2001 to help Afghan refugees.

The military-appointed representative for one detainee _ who said he was a Taliban fighter _ said the prisoner told him he and his fellow fighters "were tricked into surrendering to Rashid Dostum's forces. Their agreement was that they would give up their arms and return home. But Dostum's forces sold them for money to the U.S."

Several detainees who appeared to be ethnic Chinese Muslims _ known as Uighurs _ described being betrayed by Pakistani tribesmen along with about 100 Arabs.

They said they went to Afghanistan for military training to fight for independence from China. When U.S. warplanes started bombing near their camp, they fled into the mountains near Tora Bora and hid for weeks, starving.

One detainee said they finally followed a group of Arabs, apparently fighters, being guided by an Afghan to the Pakistani border.

"We crossed into Pakistan and there were tribal people there, and they took us to their houses and they killed a sheep and cooked the meat and we ate," he said.

That night, they were taken to a mosque, where about 100 Arabs also sheltered. After being fed bread and tea, they were told to leave in groups of 10, taken to a truck, and driven to a Pakistani prison. From there, they were handed to Americans and flown to Guantanamo.

"When we went to Pakistan the local people treated us like brothers and gave us good food and meat," said another detainee. But soon, he said, they were in prison in Pakistan where "we heard they sold us to the Pakistani authorities for $5,000 per person."

There have been reports of Arabs being sold to the Americans after the U.S.-led offensive in Afghanistan, but the testimonies offer the most detail from prisoners themselves.

In March 2002, the AP reported that Afghan intelligence offered rewards for the capture of al-Qaida fighters _ the day after a five-hour meeting with U.S. Special Forces. Intelligence officers refused to say if the two events were linked and if the United States was paying the offered reward of 150 million Afghanis, then equivalent to $4,000 a head.

That day, leaflets and loudspeaker announcements promised "the big prize" to those who turned in al-Qaida fighters.

Said one leaflet: "You can receive millions of dollars. ... This is enough to take care of your family, your village, your tribe for the rest of your life _ pay for livestock and doctors and school books and housing for all your people."

Helicopters broadcast similar announcements over the Afghan mountains, enticing people to "Hand over the Arabs and feed your families for a lifetime," said Najeeb al-Nauimi, a former Qatar justice minister and leader of a group of Arab lawyers representing nearly 100 detainees.

Al-Nauimi said a consortium of wealthy Arabs, including Saudis, told him they also bought back fellow citizens who had been captured by Pakistanis.

Khalid al-Odha, who started a group fighting to free 12 Kuwaiti detainees, said his imprisoned son, Fawzi, wrote him a letter from Guantanamo Bay about Kuwaitis being sold to the Americans in Afghanistan.

One Kuwaiti who was released, 26-year-old Nasser al-Mutairi, told al-Odha that interrogators said Dostum's forces sold them to the Pakistanis for $5,000 each, and the Pakistanis in turn sold them to the Americans.

"I also heard that Saudis were sold to the Saudi government by the Pakistanis," al-Odha said. "If I had known that, I would have gone and bought my son back."


EDITOR'S NOTE: Chief of Caribbean Services Michelle Faul has covered the prison at Guantanamo Bay since it opened in January 2002. Associated Press writers Paisley Dodds in London and Matthew Pennington in Islamabad, Pakistan contributed to this report.


On the Net:

State Department's Rewards for Justice program, http://www.rewardsforjustice.net

Warren G.

That is one Hell of a fine bit of writing by the way.

Anonymous said...

Caught this on whatreallyhappened.com

You're one fantastic and funny writer- no shit. Keep it up.

Ryan Sistrunk

Anonymous said...

Wheeee uhh! way to nail a pack of blood drinking weasels. Pretty soon we're going to be back to sticks and rocks again.


Anonymous said...

How did you get your blog mentioned on whatreallyhappened.com? Can you email me and tell me?


Anonymous said...

Excellent writing! Keep their feet to the fire. We need for everyone with a keyboard to be hammering it out until the noise just drowns out the evil.



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